Xenologue: The Golden Gaffe (Script)

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Before Battle Conversation

Victor:
Oy, Vincent! Why the long face, mate? You look like the lad what got bounced from the pub.
Vincent:
It's me pockets, Victor! They're lighter'n a vicar's purse on tax day. I laid down what to 'ave a little kip an' woke up to find me gold gone! Ain't been this broke since me dear ol' mum blew the rent on bangers an' mash.
Victor:
Oy now, don't be such a mug! I knows 'ow to replace yer coin. We just go in this 'ere mansion, kill all them Risen, nick their gold, and Bob's yer uncle!
Vincent:
Blimey, Vic! You really fink them dead blokes are carryin' 'round cash? It don't make no sense.
Victor:
Nuffin' make sense 'ere, mate, so don't try to suss it out.Like, 'ow'd we get 'ere, like? And 'ow'd we get such trig 'aircuts? You just gots to roll wif it.
Vincent:
Blimey, Vic, yer right! This 'ere's a bloody gold mine! I'll be so loaded down wif the shiny stuff, me knees'll buckle!
Chrom appears
Chrom:
Hello? ...Is someone there?
Bandit Twins appears
Victor:
Cor! What's this then? A fly in the ol' ointment, eh?
Vincent:
That bloke'll foil our grand plan, 'e will! Time to do a runner, Vic!
Chrom appears
Chrom:
...What did I just hear?

Switch scenes
Lissa:
Oh, no! Chrom! You won't believe this!
Chrom:
What's wrong?
Lissa:
The Risen stole our gold! ...All of it!
Chrom:
Our entire war chest? How could that happen?!
Lissa:
No, no, hold on. When I said "our gold," what I really meant wa "my gold." I can see that might sound confusing there... Robin was guarding the army's cash reserve, so that's totally safe. But my nest egg! The Risen made off with my life savings!
Chrom:
...You have a nest egg?
Lissa:
Well, sure! We all put a little money aside for...you know. Personal stuff? I save whatever I make or find in the gutter or whatever. It adds up!
Chrom:
Gods, Lissa, you pick up coins from the gutter?
Lissa:
Um, yeah. Doesn't everyone?
Frederick:
Indeed we do! To think, all those hours of backbreaking labor, wasted...
Chrom:
Frederick?! Not you, too?!
Frederick:
I'm afraid so, milord. Those blasted ghouls pilfered my entire savings. We should strike back at once! Teach them a lesson about touching my- Er... That is, they could go on to rob others! We must strike for future generations' sake!
Chrom:
Right. And certainly not out of greed or embarrasment... Precisely, milord. Now, to battle!
Lissa:
Yeah, Chrom! To battle! ...And all that other stuff Frederick said!
Chrom:

  • Sigh...*


Battle Start

Enter Battle Conversations

Main Characters

Avatar(M/F)
So Lissa and Frederick were saving up money on the side, eh? Perhaps I've been managing the army's finances a bit too strictly... The least I can do is win back my friends private savings.

Chrom
Why in the seven hells am I fighting for someone else's nest egg? I don't think I've had a less inspiring cause in my whole life. Well, as long as there are enemies here, I may as well use them for training.

Lissa
You're that Risen that skulked off earlier! Where's my gold, jerk?! I picked those coins out of the gutter! I brought secondhand petticoats! Yeesh, I'm starting to feel pathetic...

Frederick
Are you the Risen that's been doing the thieving? You stole from a princess, too! ...I cannot let this go unpunished. Prepare to be shaken down, knave!

Virion
Face it, you pilfering Risen. I have outwitted you. I am too clever to carry gold on my person! Stop glaring! I have money! ... I just don't carry it.

Sully
You the dastard who took my gold? You got me good. Pretty quick for a Risen, aren't you... But not as quick as my boot's about to find your arse!

Vaike
The Vaike doesn't save money, so I got no quarrel with you. The Vaike's friends, on the other hand? They kinda want you dead. And ol'Teach leaves no plea unanswered!

Stahl
*Sigh* wonder which of these Risen ran off with MY money. I was saving that gold for a good meal... *Groan* Aw, why'd I have to go and think about food?

Miriel
I am far too organized to fall victim to larceny. However, the thought of you ransacking the belongings of others disquiets me. Think of the mess you make in the process! You simply must perish.

Kellam

Donnel
I dunno what a "nest egg" is, exactly. Never had them on the farm. But I DO know what a thief is, and thieves deserve to be punished!

Sumia
G-give me back my gold! That's all I have to pay for the stuff I break when I trip! And I trip a LOT...

Lon'qu
The others lost their gold because they were recklesss. I always keep one eye glued on my valuables, so I never-- ...What? My gold! Damn you, fiend! How did you do that?!

Ricken
You're the gold thieves, aren't you? How dare you! I was so close to buying that medicine that's supposed to make me taller! Now, not only am I short on funds. I'm stuck being short, period!

Maribelle

Panne
It seems man-spawn and dead-spawn alike like to hoard their money. The taguel have no such custom. But if the others are so desperate to reclaim their gold, I will help.

Gaius
*Sigh* Beaten at my own game of thievery. I'll never live this down... And why'd you have to go and take my sweets, too? Take my gold, but leave the sugary stuff alone, damn you!

Cordelia
So everyone else was keeping the gold they found for themselves... I always deliver what I find to Chrom. It gives us a chance to talk! *Siiiiiiiiigh* Wait, this is no time to get dreamy! Focus, Cordelia, focus!

Gregor
Have you no principle, stealing from gentleman like Gregor? Now Gregor completely broke! For shaming on you! Gregor think naughty Risen need iron spanking!

Nowi
I don't bother with gold, so you're wasting your time with me. All I've got is my pouch for food, my pouch for dragonstones, and my...HEY! Where's my pouch for sparklies?! Give me back my sparklies, you creep!

Libra
My gold is yours. But I must ask that you return the rest. I promise no harm will come to you if you do. ...You're not listening, are you? Very well. We'll do this the hard way.

Tharja

Olivia
That was very cruel of you to steal my gold...I was saving it to build a theater one day, and you...you...you will give it back, you creep!

Cherche
Shame on you. I needed that gold to buy feed for Minerva. I could give her you instead, but the rotten flesh might not agree with her. I suppose I'll just have to take my money back the hard way. So long!

Henry
Are you the one who stole my bag? Because the stuff in there'll probably kill you slowly and painfully. Just saying. Aw, but I'm a nice guy, so come here. I'll finish you off quickly. Hold still...

Say'ri
Are you the fiend who robbed Lady Lissa and Sir Frederick? Aye, you are, I wager. Stealing is a weighty crime... Unless 'tis me stealing back from your broken corpse!

Basilio
Why do these sprogs hang on to money? I sure don't! Ba ha ha! Hell, I drank away every coin I found within the first hour... Still, if they're that beat up over it, I guess I'll help 'em get it back.

Flavia
You think we have time to fritter away with you here in the Outrealms? There's another world that needs saving, you greedy sods! Now die a second time, and cough up the coin you've taken!

Anna
"Robbery" is one of my danger words, but it looks like I escaped unscathed. My shops are one thing, but no one can know about my, er, personal accounts. And YOU won't be telling them! I can promise you that...

Tiki
Thousands of years I've lived, and this is my first fight over spending money. But I am part of this army, and I will do my part. ...Now let's get this farce over with so I can forget it ever happened.

Children Characters

Lucina
You're lower than the usual Risen if you're plundering gold now. I cannot allow you to carry on like this any longer. You'll die on my blade before you trouble my father again!

Owain
Give Mom's gold back! What a rotten thing to... Er, I mean... Repent, foul takers of my mother's beloved and shiny fortunes! Today you shall pay only in blood!

Inigo
Er, would you mind giving back my wallet now? The notes in there are dance routines, and if the wrong eyes saw them, I may... N-never mind! I'll just kill you and take them myself!

Brady

Kjelle
How did you make off with everyone's gold undetected? We post guards! ... Could it be you're more gifted than the average Risen? If so, you'll make a worthy foe. En garde!

Cynthia
Return the stolen gold, you putrid purloinrers! 'Cause if you don't, I might just have to lose my temper! Grrrr! ... Aw, c'mon, please? Those are my special hero savings!

Severa
You took my wallet, didn't you? You lousy little turd! Give it back this instant, or I'll... I'll... *sniff* The gold in there was a gift from my mother... before she died...

Gerome
Pickpocketing? Hmph... How petty can you get? I have a greater purpose than punishing pond scum in this godforsaken plane. Die quickly so I can return to more sensible pursuits.

Morgan(M)

Morgan(F)
How could you steal from me? I was going to buy more books, and... and... And knock Father's socks off when he saw how much I'd learned! How dare you interfere with my ploys to get attention!

Yarne
Eek! What the heck are you? I don't have any gold! We taguel only store up food! Ye gods, am I going to meet my doom over the pocket change of others?!

Laurent
I've been robbed? Me? The shock of it! The gold is one thing, but these fiends even stole my favorite lens cloth. I must rectify this matter before any more fingerprints accumulate!

Noire

Nah
While I'm hardly attached to material possessions, this hurts quite a bit. It took a lot of hard work to save up that emergency fun, you know! And I mean, you stole from a child! Have you no shame at all?

Spotpass Characters

Gangrel
Are you the dirty lowlife that stole my gold? Good for you! ...Unfortunately, you robbed scum even lower than you. And that comes at a high and painful price, my shambling friend!

Walhart

Yen'fey

Emmeryn

Aversa

Priam

After Battle Conversations