Xenologue: The Golden Gaffe (Script)

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Before Battle

Victor
Oy, Vincent! Why the long face, mate? You look like the lad what got bounced from the pub.

Vincent
It's me pockets, Victor! They're lighter'n a vicar's purse on tax day. I laid down what to 'ave a little kip an' woke up to find me gold gone! Ain't been this broke since me dear ol' mum blew the rent on bangers an' mash.

Victor
Oy now, don't be such a mug! I knows 'ow to replace yer coin. We just go in this 'ere mansion, kill all them Risen, nick their gold, and Bob's yer uncle!

Vincent
Blimey, Vic! You really fink them dead blokes are carryin' 'round cash? It don't make no sense.

Victor
Nuffin' make sense 'ere, mate, so don't try to suss it out. Like, 'ow'd we get 'ere, like? And 'ow'd we get such trig 'aircuts? You just gots to roll wif it.

Vincent:
Blimey, Vic, yer right! This 'ere's a bloody gold mine! I'll be so loaded down wif the shiny stuff, me knees'll buckle!

>Chrom appears

Chrom
Hello? ...Is someone there?

>Bandit Twins appears

Victor
Cor! What's this then? A fly in the ol' ointment, eh?

Vincent
That bloke'll foil our grand plan, 'e will! Time to do a runner, Vic!

>Chrom appears

Chrom
...What did I just hear?

>Switch scenes
Lissa
Oh, no! Chrom! You won't believe this!

Chrom
What's wrong?

Lissa
The Risen stole our gold! ...All of it!

Chrom
Our entire war chest? How could that happen?!

Lissa
No, no, hold on. When I said "our gold," what I really meant was "my gold." I can see that might sound confusing there... Robin was guarding the army's cash reserve, so that's totally safe. But my nest egg! The Risen made off with my life savings!

Chrom
...You have a nest egg?

Lissa
Well, sure! We all put a little money aside for...you know. Personal stuff? I save whatever I make or find in the gutter or whatever. It adds up!

Chrom
Gods, Lissa, you pick up coins from the gutter?

Lissa
Um, yeah. Doesn't everyone?

Frederick
Indeed we do! To think, all those hours of backbreaking labor, wasted...

Chrom
Frederick?! Not you, too?!

Frederick
I'm afraid so, milord. Those blasted ghouls pilfered my entire savings. We should strike back at once! Teach them a lesson about touching my- Er... That is, they could go on to rob others! We must strike for future generations' sake!

Chrom
Right. And certainly not out of greed or embarrassment...

Frederick
Precisely, milord. Now, to battle!

Lissa
Yeah, Chrom! To battle! ...And all that other stuff Frederick said!

Chrom
*Sigh...*

Enter Battle Quotes

Main Characters

Avatar(M/F)
So Lissa and Frederick were saving up money on the side, eh? Perhaps I've been managing the army's finances a bit too strictly... The least I can do is win back my friends private savings.

Chrom
Why in the seven hells am I fighting for someone else's nest egg? I don't think I've had a less inspiring cause in my whole life. Well, as long as there are enemies here, I may as well use them for training.

Lissa
You're that Risen that skulked off earlier! Where's my gold, jerk?! I picked those coins out of the gutter! I brought secondhand petticoats! Yeesh, I'm starting to feel pathetic...

Frederick
Are you the Risen that's been doing the thieving? You stole from a princess, too! ...I cannot let this go unpunished. Prepare to be shaken down, knave!

Virion
Face it, you pilfering Risen. I have outwitted you. I am too clever to carry gold on my person! Stop glaring! I have money! ... I just don't carry it.

Sully
You the dastard who took my gold? You got me good. Pretty quick for a Risen, aren't you... But not as quick as my boot's about to find your arse!

Vaike
The Vaike doesn't save money, so I got no quarrel with you. The Vaike's friends, on the other hand? They kinda want you dead. And ol'Teach leaves no plea unanswered!

Stahl
*Sigh* wonder which of these Risen ran off with MY money. I was saving that gold for a good meal... *Groan* Aw, why'd I have to go and think about food?

Miriel
I am far too organized to fall victim to larceny. However, the thought of you ransacking the belongings of others disquiets me. Think of the mess you make in the process! You simply must perish.

Kellam
If you lot have been stealing from everyone, why'd you leave my gold?It's sitting right in my tent! In a bag with the word "GOLD" on the side! Gosh, even my wallet lacks presence.

Donnel
I dunno what a "nest egg" is, exactly. Never had them on the farm. But I DO know what a thief is, and thieves deserve to be punished!

Sumia
G-give me back my gold! That's all I have to pay for the stuff I break when I trip! And I trip a LOT...

Lon'qu
The others lost their gold because they were recklesss. I always keep one eye glued on my valuables, so I never-- ...What? My gold! Damn you, fiend! How did you do that?!

Ricken
You're the gold thieves, aren't you? How dare you! I was so close to buying that medicine that's supposed to make me taller! Now, not only am I short on funds. I'm stuck being short, period!

Maribelle
Honestly, I'm a bit shocked a princess like Lissa had to save gold on the side. But I'm MORE shocked at you! Why didn't you steal from me? DO I look poor to you? DO I?!

Panne
It seems man-spawn and dead-spawn alike like to hoard their money. The taguel have no such custom. But if the others are so desperate to reclaim their gold, I will help.

Gaius
*Sigh* Beaten at my own game of thievery. I'll never live this down... And why'd you have to go and take my sweets, too? Take my gold, but leave the sugary stuff alone, damn you!

Cordelia
So everyone else was keeping the gold they found for themselves... I always deliver what I find to Chrom. It gives us a chance to talk! *Siiiiiiiiigh* Wait, this is no time to get dreamy! Focus, Cordelia, focus!

Gregor
Have you no principle, stealing from gentleman like Gregor? Now Gregor completely broke! For shaming on you! Gregor think naughty Risen need iron spanking!

Nowi
I don't bother with gold, so you're wasting your time with me. All I've got is my pouch for food, my pouch for dragonstones, and my...HEY! Where's my pouch for sparklies?! Give me back my sparklies, you creep!

Libra
My gold is yours. But I must ask that you return the rest. I promise no harm will come to you if you do. ...You're not listening, are you? Very well. We'll do this the hard way.

Tharja
How dare you steal my toolkit. I would have GIVEN you my gold. But the lock of Avatar's hair in that pouch was...priceless. Return it now, or I will kill you a thousand times over!

Olivia
That was very cruel of you to steal my gold...I was saving it to build a theater one day, and you...you...you will give it back, you creep!

Cherche
Shame on you. I needed that gold to buy feed for Minerva. I could give her you instead, but the rotten flesh might not agree with her. I suppose I'll just have to take my money back the hard way. So long!

Henry
Are you the one who stole my bag? Because the stuff in there'll probably kill you slowly and painfully. Just saying. Aw, but I'm a nice guy, so come here. I'll finish you off quickly. Hold still...

Say'ri
Are you the fiend who robbed Lady Lissa and Sir Frederick? Aye, you are, I wager. Stealing is a weighty crime... Unless 'tis me stealing back from your broken corpse!

Basilio
Why do these sprogs hang on to money? I sure don't! Ba ha ha! Hell, I drank away every coin I found within the first hour... Still, if they're that beat up over it, I guess I'll help 'em get it back.

Flavia
You think we have time to fritter away with you here in the Outrealms? There's another world that needs saving, you greedy sods! Now die a second time, and cough up the coin you've taken!

Anna
"Robbery" is one of my danger words, but it looks like I escaped unscathed. My shops are one thing, but no one can know about my, er, personal accounts. And YOU won't be telling them! I can promise you that...

Tiki
Thousands of years I've lived, and this is my first fight over spending money. But I am part of this army, and I will do my part. ...Now let's get this farce over with so I can forget it ever happened.

Children Characters

Lucina
You're lower than the usual Risen if you're plundering gold now. I cannot allow you to carry on like this any longer. You'll die on my blade before you trouble my father again!

Owain
Give Mom's gold back! What a rotten thing to... Er, I mean... Repent, foul takers of my mother's beloved and shiny fortunes! Today you shall pay only in blood!

Inigo
Er, would you mind giving back my wallet now? The notes in there are dance routines, and if the wrong eyes saw them, I may... N-never mind! I'll just kill you and take them myself!

Brady
How dare you bozos yoink my savings! How am I going to buy tea leaves and violin strings or repair chess pieces?! I'll make ya pay for interferin' with my nonviolent pursuits!

Kjelle
How did you make off with everyone's gold undetected? We post guards! ... Could it be you're more gifted than the average Risen? If so, you'll make a worthy foe. En garde!

Cynthia
Return the stolen gold, you putrid purloinrers! 'Cause if you don't, I might just have to lose my temper! Grrrr! ... Aw, c'mon, please? Those are my special hero savings!

Severa
You took my wallet, didn't you? You lousy little turd! Give it back this instant, or I'll... I'll... *sniff* The gold in there was a gift from my mother... before she died...

Gerome
Pickpocketing? Hmph... How petty can you get? I have a greater purpose than punishing pond scum in this godforsaken plane. Die quickly so I can return to more sensible pursuits.

Morgan(M)
How could you steal from me? I was going to buy more books, and... and... And knock Mother's socks off when she saw how much I'd learned! How dare you interfere with my ploys to get attention!

Morgan(F)
How could you steal from me? I was going to buy more books, and... and... And knock Father's socks off when he saw how much I'd learned! How dare you interfere with my ploys to get attention!

Yarne
Eek! What the heck are you? I don't have any gold! We taguel only store up food! Ye gods, am I going to meet my doom over the pocket change of others?!

Laurent
I've been robbed? Me? The shock of it! The gold is one thing, but these fiends even stole my favorite lens cloth. I must rectify this matter before any more fingerprints accumulate!

Noire
BLOOD AND THUNDER! WHERE IS MY GOLD, AND WHERE IS THE WRETCH WHO TOOK IT?...WHAT? WAS IT YOU? YOU LOOK...kind of strong, actually...Too strong for me to beat...Oh, I'll never get my money back, will I?

Nah
While I'm hardly attached to material possessions, this hurts quite a bit. It took a lot of hard work to save up that emergency fun, you know! And I mean, you stole from a child! Have you no shame at all?

Spotpass Characters

Gangrel
Are you the dirty lowlife that stole my gold? Good for you! ...Unfortunately, you robbed scum even lower than you. And that comes at a high and painful price, my shambling friend!

Walhart
Only a wretch would grasp at the gold clinking in the pockets of others. You want to steal from a conqueror? Best pray that coin doesn't melt in hell.

Emmeryn
Return...our money...you thieving...fiend...

Yen'fey
What was stolen can be returned. Were that stolen life worked the same... But I prattle on. My name is Yen'fay of Chon'sin, and I will be the end of you.

Aversa
You would steal from me? How insulting. How dare you make me look as green as these other fool children... But don't worry. I'll make this just as unpleasant for you...

Priam
I don't give a rat's tail about gold, but Risen are another story. Do you fight like your brethren back in my world, I wonder? Try to be as informative as you can while I prod at you. It'll be over quick.

After Battle

Chrom
There. All the gold we took back from the Risen in one big pile. Gods, look at it all... Lissa and Frederick had all this? We're fighting a war here! Our army could use this money! Better weapons, new armor, more--

Lissa
Chrom!

Chrom
Lissa... We need to talk.

Lissa
Pretty great we got the gold back, huh? So can I collect my nest egg now?

Chrom
Right, as if you could carry it all yourself... Lissa, what were you thin--

Lissa
Three gold, please!

Chrom
...Come again?

Lissa
Three gold. One, two, three. That's how much I'm missing.

Frederick
17 gold here, please.

Chrom
Se...ven...teen...?

Lissa
Wow, Frederick, double digits? Look at you, Sir Moneybags!

Frederick
Well, you tend to come across decent coin searching roads and hunting for firewood...

Lissa
And here I thought you were just collecting pebbles the whole time!

Chrom
Um, not to interrupt...

Frederick
Yes, milord?

Lissa
Hey, I'm still waiting on my three gold, Chrom. Don't be stingy!

Chrom
You'll get your three gold, I promise. But... Aren't next eggs usually a little bit... Oh, I don't know...

Lissa
Bigger? I know. But money doesn't just grow on trees, Chrom!

Chrom
Then where did the rest of all this gold come from?!

Lissa
All this gold? All what go-- ...Oh my GODS! Don't tell me all of that came from just those Risen?! Someone in the Shepherds must've been getting ready to open a bank!

Frederick
No, milady. Not possible. Even the pathetic pocket change of all our units would not add up to half of this.

Chrom
...Then who did the Risen take it from?

>Scene change

Victor
'Ow'd it go, Vince? Didja gut them Risen and strike it rich?

Vincent
Oy! Was a right beastly mess, it was. Turns out them Risen blokes was the ones what nicked me coppers in the first place. But they was chopped into chum a'fore I could save me savings! That blue-'aired bloke sallied in and legged it wiv every last cent!

Victor
Blimey, Vince! If that ain't insult to injury! Still, I fink you gots another chance. Them shamblin' types is undead, yeah? Which means this mansion's still stuffed to the gills what wiv Risen! If you're of a mind to come back'n try again, I wager you could!

Vincent
It's like me dear ol' mum used to say, "What if at first ya don't succeed... Retry the level and don't louse it up this time, ya daft arse!"

Victor
'At's the spirit, Vince! Now whatsay I treat you to a trim at the barb-- Huh?! Cor blimey! Me gold! It's gone!

Vincent
Vic, don't tell me them Risen rapscallions done pinched yer pennies, too?!

Victor
I fink they did, Vincent. Them blokes broke me bank AND me 'eart!

Vincent
Well then, mate, I reckon there's only one fing for it... Time we stopped beatin' a dead 'orse, and started beatin' a dead corpse!